Self-help is a trap The new obsession with "being in first place" may have made us a bit too individualistic

Humans are social animals. Aristotle said it in the 4th century BC, and more recent studies have never stopped confirming it. Long before developing complex language, human beings learned to live in groups, to cooperate, to depend on one another in order to survive. Community was not a romantic idea, but a concrete necessity: without others, quite simply, we wouldn’t get very far. And yet today, in an era that has turned self-help into a real cultural industry, the idea of depending on others seems to have become something to avoid, if not to fear.

Putting yourself first, but at what cost? The self-help illusion

In recent years, the mantra of “putting yourself first” has been everywhere. In personal growth books, in podcasts, in motivational content filling social media feeds. The secret to happiness seems to be taking care of yourself, protecting your boundaries, distancing yourself from what makes you feel bad. These are legitimate concepts, often necessary, especially in a world increasingly marked by burnout, emotional and job insecurity, and unbalanced relationships. But what happens when this narrative becomes all-encompassing, and individual well-being turns into the only measure by which we judge the world? The risk is falling into a form of toxic individualism that completely denies the benefits of interdependence and social bonds. Learning to feel good on your own is essential, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also need others in order to feel better.

It takes a village

The expression “it takes a village” is no coincidence. Growing, healing, and going through moments of crisis have never been solitary processes. The idea that working on yourself alone is enough to feel well ignores a fundamental fact: well-being is also relational. It depends on the quality of our bonds, on our ability to empathize, to support and be supported. This, of course, requires compromise. Any relationship—romantic, familial, or social—rests on a constant negotiation. Compromise does not mean erasing yourself, but recognizing that the other person exists and that their needs do not always coincide with ours. When compromise disappears, a brutal alternative remains: either I feel good, or I walk away.

Clearing people out isn’t the key

It’s no coincidence that cutting off people who transmit negative energy has become one of the core ideas of contemporary self-help. On paper, it’s entirely fair and understandable: there are relationships that are genuinely toxic and harmful, and it is healthy to distance yourself from them. But what happens if we start labeling as negative even relationships that are simply difficult, imperfect, or shaped by conflict? The risk is reducing human relationships to a cost-benefit calculation, where we try never to give more than we receive, in absolute terms. As psychologist Francesca Bottazzi, who specializes in the systemic-relational approach, explains: “True self-care is never a solitary act, but the constant effort to make our connection with others clearer and more honest. On the contrary, individualism becomes toxic when it mistakes protecting our boundaries for becoming numb to others. If ‘distancing myself from what makes me feel bad’ becomes my only compass, I stop asking what that discomfort might be trying to tell me about our relationship.”

Empathy and the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes

It is within this complex space that empathy and the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes should come into play. These are not automatic gestures: they require effort and do not always bring immediate gratification. Listening even when it’s hard, trying to see things from another person’s perspective, accepting that a relationship will not make us feel constantly at the center. In this way, we can try to work on our relationships without losing sight of ourselves. As Dr. Bottazzi explains further: “Being healthy often seems to coincide with being invulnerable and self-sufficient, but that is not the case. We need to be capable of a flexible and intelligent exchange with others. The illusion that we can exist in isolation disappears the moment we realize that even our most intimate thoughts are built with words we did not invent ourselves, but that were passed on to us by those who raised and educated us.”

Ultimately, the obsession with self-help did not create individualism, but it has certainly normalized it. In a society increasingly devoted to preserving the self, self-care has become a moral imperative, often disconnected from any responsibility toward others. The problem, of course, is not putting yourself first, but doing so as if no one else existed. The risk is ending up protected, self-aware, perfectly aligned with ourselves. And deeply alone.