How relationships change when we stop making just small talk Asking the right questions is everything

I often find myself wondering whether I can consider myself a good friend. Do I listen enough? Am I able to make people feel that I’m there if they need me? Am I intrusive or, on the contrary, too reserved? There is no thermometer capable of measuring the value of a friendship. However, there are small adjustments that can help us feel closer to others, without turning our lives upside down. One of these, perhaps a little underrated, has to do with the way we ask questions. Not so much how often we check in, but the kind of conversation we create when we do. As the American therapist Kati Morton explains to Time, it is important to shift conversations “from updates to connection”. In other words, moving from superficial exchanges - metaphorically comparable to junk food or candy - to something deeper, more nourishing for the brain and the nervous system

Which questions to ask in relationships

So, what questions should we ask? Let’s be clear: there is no need to dive headfirst into very intimate matters or sensitive topics, we can take it step by step. For example, Morton suggests deepening something the other person has already shared. If a friend complains about work, you can ask what led them to choose it in the first place. It only takes a small shift to move a conversation from the surface to something more meaningful. Similarly, instead of a generic “how are you?”, you can try asking what has recently made them particularly happy or sad. At first, the other person might feel a bit thrown off. The truth is that we are not very used to receiving such specific questions, which require a more structured answer. But precisely for this reason, over time, they can help us open up and feel more connected. More vulnerable, perhaps, but also more free to be truly ourselves.

The benefits of deeper conversations

The benefits of a deep connection, after all, are very real. According to Time, a study conducted on a sample of people found that the happiest individuals had twice as many deep conversations as less happy ones. Asking this kind of questions encourages a gradual and mutual sharing, building trust and emotional intimacy over time. A level of closeness that is difficult to achieve if we limit ourselves to superficial small talk. And there is an interesting side effect: trying to truly understand the other person inevitably improves our relationship with ourselves as well. You get to know others to get to know yourself, as the saying goes. It could not be more true. Being open to others’ emotions trains us to recognize and manage our own, including the uncomfortable ones.

Curiosity in relationships today

And it is precisely this openness towards others that seems to be missing more than ever today. Not only because of a widespread lack of empathy, but also for something simpler: curiosity. More and more often we stop asking questions - or truly listening to the answers - remaining trapped in a self-referential mindset that prioritizes individuality over connection. Cultivating interest in what others have to say - whether it is an unusual passion, a memory, or a seemingly trivial detail - is already a way to build a bond. It means staying open, willing to learn something new, even when it challenges our point of view. Going deeper when it is worth it, without stopping at the surface. In the end, it is all a matter of intention. And it is a small thing that can truly make a difference.