We need friends with whom we can argue We are convinced that avoiding conflict is always the best choice, but dealing with it can make our friendships stronger

There is one thing we do much more often than we admit: when a friend makes us angry, we pretend nothing has happened. We let it go, we change the subject, we convince ourselves that it's not worth it. Because telling him that thing hurt us is opening an uncomfortable conversation, and an uncomfortable conversation could turn into a fight. And a fight, in our heads, could turn into the end of the friendship. Or, more simply, in a nice grain. So we swallow the toad to protect the relationship, ignoring that, in many cases, this very attitude will eventually wear it down.

Ignoring conflicts is not a good idea

We are used to thinking of the strongest friendships as those without drama: people with whom we laugh, share everything and who, above all, understand us without the need for explanation. But the reality is that a friendship is not measured by the absence of conflicts, it is rather measured by the ability we have to face them, and then rebuild the relationship on an even more solid foundation. As psychologist Marisa G. Franco explained in Psychology Today, systematically avoiding dealing with what makes us angry can create distance instead of preserving the relationship. Open conflict, when it doesn't become a personal attack, can instead allow people to better understand their respective perspectives. In fact, saying “this thing made me sick” leaves the other the opportunity to answer: “it was not my intention” or, simply, “I didn't understand that I lived it like this.” A discussion can therefore become useful; not because it is good for us to argue, but because it reminds us of something that in long-standing friendships we tend to forget: we never fully know the people who are next to us. We think we know how they're going to react, what they want, what they mean when they say a certain thing, but that's often not the case. A discussion may force us to come to terms with a version of the other that we had not yet seen.

Not all fights are healthy: some tips for dealing with an argument

Of course, that doesn't mean that all fights are healthy. Insults, humiliations, manipulations and silences used as punishment do not suddenly become evolved forms of communication just because we call them 'conflicts'. The difference lies in the way in which you compare yourself and, above all, in the possibility of listening to the other version of the story as well, perhaps putting in place a bit of empathy. According to Dr. Franco, to approach a discussion constructively, it is first important to arrive there with a clear enough head to be able to listen, without being guided by the anger of the moment. Even words matter: telling the other person how we felt about a certain behavior is very different from accusing them of being insensitive or of not caring about us. But above all, once our point of view has been expressed, we must be willing to listen to hers: understand what prompted her to act in that way and consider that, in that situation, we too might have a share of responsibility. If there is, acknowledging it and apologizing does not mean losing the discussion, but helping to resolve it.

If, for example, a friend cancels an appointment for the umpteenth time at the last minute, or forgets to reply to our messages, we can read it as a lack of respect and face it by accusing her of not caring enough about our friendship. Or we can tell her that her behavior has made us feel left out and ask her what is happening to her: maybe we will discover that she is going through a complicated period, or that she simply did not realize how much she was hurting us. Or, again, that the problem we had perceived really exists. In any case, at the end of the conversation we will know a little more about her and about our relationship.

After the conflict comes the good

The trickiest part, however, comes later. Because an argument doesn't just end when we stop being angry: it should leave something in us. A greater understanding of the other person, but also the willingness to change a behavior, to apologize when necessary or to accept the other person's apology; otherwise, we risk finding ourselves point and nail. And if the fights become really frequent, then it could be a sign that something is wrong. An argument every once in a while, instead? All health. Word from psychologists.