Older sisters, mothers, daughters: why is the care work responsibility of women?

The author of this article happen to be an older sister. I take great pride in being one. My role is significant and makes me feel responsible, like a second mother but with a more fun twist. It helps that my younger brother is generally peaceful and laid-back, creating a classic dynamic of responsibility and calmness between siblings. This pattern was present even in our family, and when we moved an hour away from each other, I became the responsible adult in this part of Italy. I became a sort of postscript mother, a footnote of authority, and a source of reassurance for our parents, knowing that I would be there first in case of an emergency.

The Older Sister on Social Media

This theme of the older sister is prevalent on social media. Memes and videos discuss this balancing act, portraying her as a master of diplomacy and detonation techniques. Online, the older sister is labeled as overachieving, an earth sign, a child full of potential who didn't quite make it, feeling compelled to stay close to her family and constantly dealing with burnout. She becomes an antenna, absorbing the harmful radiations of challenging family environments and restructuring them, smoothing things out, and intervening. If, for some reason, the mother figure is absent, all her responsibilities fall onto the older sister, who becomes the hearth's angel, the emotional and educational core, simply the caregiver while the man of the house brings in the money.

A Delicate Role

This is a unique and delicate role, often silent and underestimated. It is assigned automatically, taken for granted, and can affect our personal relationships, potentially ruining them. One cannot be solely responsible for the emotional balance of an entire household and cannot bear the pressing responsibility of plugging all the gaps. This could lead to self-neglect and unpleasant loops, to the extent that there is even a theorized Oldest Daughter Syndrome, discussed by scholars of childhood such as Ellen Bradley-Windell and Gail Gross. Possible ways out of this? Forgive yourself, loose control and find your inner child. With the help of a specialized therapist, perhaps.

Is the Burden of Care Solely on Women?

If, for centuries, the arduous task of caring for everything and everyone in the household fell on women, as evident in the case of the Older Sister, more and more women post-Covid are realizing they can't bear it anymore. Why are caregiving roles assigned to women? Why can't it be shared with partners, fathers, husbands, or sons? Does an older brother feel the same pressure as an older sister? Being jealous and protective of a younger sister is not a point in their favor, quite the opposite. Does a woman, whether a daughter or a mother, belong solely to the household and its men? Should she sacrifice her mental health to manage the intricate family circus?

What if We Share Responsibilities?

As awareness grows regarding the patriarchal conditioning and roles imposed on families and women, it would be great to attempt a new sense of care that goes beyond family boundaries and extends to society. Let's imagine what would happen if everyone helped each other. Not with grand gestures and large sums of money, but simply by being kind, accommodating, never rude, and fostering open communication. Let's take it a step further: what if we asked our community for what we can't ask our family? From colleagues, friends, institutions, professionals. Not everything can be resolved within our circles; sometimes, we need to seek help from a therapist or embark on a healing journey with the support of those around us. No one is an island, especially not an older sister.