10 types of men that will hit on you on Instagram

It comes a time in everyone's life when it's only fair and imperative to share your wisdom and experience with the younger generations, to help them face in the best way possible all the obstacles they will meet on their path. This is one of those moments. 

Starting from my little and humble experience, I've decided to compile a catalogue of the most common types of men you can come across on Instagram: I might not be able to hem my pants, cook fish or find a movie on a streaming platform, but I reckon myself quite skilled on this topic.

I might as well say it right away: if used in the right way, Instagram is the place where you can hook up the most. More than Tinder - that despite the latest ad that tries to erase its reputation of social network only to have sex, ends always in boring and forced sexting with some strangers, more than Facebook, used mainly by our parents, relatives and everyone above the age of 40, more than Linkedin, even if rumour has it that this might be the new Meetic - and not for job interviews. And here ends the list of social networks that we twenty-something-year-old-that-don't-want-to-admit-that-are-almost-thirty use on a daily basis. 

More than the posts that we publish, the IG Stories are the best way to have direct contact with our followers. We as women know it, therefore everything that appears on our channels, even for just 24 hours, is the result of a careful and considerate study, from the publishing time to the post-production of the image, to the kind of target we're aiming for. Do you really think that the songs that we share from Spotify are accidental?  

Before going ahead with this sexist list, but made with the best intentions, a couple of disclaimers. These are all cases in which is the male user to text the female user, but that doesn't mean that more than often aren't women themselves to start a conversation, but we should make a psychological/sociological/otherworldly analysis of the motives behind women's actions. Another fundamental disclaimer. Before reading the following text, we must all agree on one thing: nobody gives a damn about the pictures of your holidays, Instagram is made to get laid. Now that we've taken this load off our chest, keep in mind that on IG, and above all in IG private chats, you have fun, so keep it easy. 

#1 The fire-starter

I'm on fire. Video from a concert of an unknown artist you don't even know why you went: fire reaction. Photo of a sad plate cooked at home on a rainy Wednesday night: fire reaction. A slightly flirty song, definitely not for him: fire reaction. And whether you post a pic of you wearing a bathing suit or that shows even the slightest part of your cleavage, beware: he will start a fire even bigger than the ones in Amazon. He will hardly move to deeds.

#2 The intellectual

The type of guy that clearly uses Instagram to hit on girls but that won't admit it. The typical move is to reply to Stories that show for example the visit to a museum, an unknown song, the cover of a book. On average he will answer saying how much that book has changed his life or how that is like the worst song of that band. It might be worth giving it a try, worst case scenario you've found a loyal friend with benefit who can also form a sentence. 

#3 The one with a girlfriend

We have no idea how incredibly painful it must be for a man with a girlfriend to be on Instagram, it's like standing in front of a bakery while you're on a diet, everything is so close but also so forbidden. Stories, though, are the perfect tool because they don't leave traces, after 24 hours they're gone, disappeared. This the typical thought 'Wow, I didn't expect this. It's a shame I didn't manage to hook up with her before finding a girlfriend, I might as well add a reaction, maybe the laughing emoticon so I look innocent'. It's a dead end. 

#4 The friend of a friend

Even Instagram has its etiquette, so when the friend of your friend starts following you after a group night out where you chatted for a few minutes, it's almost mandatory to reciprocate. Then there will be that inevitable embarrassment when he will text you on IG immediately followed by doubts on which tone to use, how many emoticons to add, how many 'ahahaha' are enough. Promising. 

#5 The friend of your ex

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Bad, it happens though. Whether it was a long and toxic relationship or a shallow flirt, following the rules of the community, even for the friends of your boyfriend you have to tap on 'Follow Back'. And what happens when the relationship comes to an end and the BFF of your ex texts you? In this case, there are no golden rules, too many variables to consider, but overall it's always good to have a laugh before deciding what to do. 

#6 One of a few words

'Awesome'. 'LMFAO'. 'Love it'. And how can you keep a conversation alive when this is the average length of an answer?  You'll find yourself at a crossroad: if you really like the guy, you'll find a way to come up with an 'Oh, I almost forgot to tell you what happened..' and keep exchanging friendly and flirty messages. Or you'll let the exchange die persuading yourself by repeating that if he really likes you he'll text you again (or you will). No impulsive decisions. 

#7 The romantic one

If he could use just an emoticon for the rest of his life, it'd be a red rose. In this case, it's just a matter of taste: or you melt at the first compliment, or not only that kind of comment won't scratch your heart of stone, but you'll also start feeling nauseous. De gustibus. 

#8 The low-key one

We all have among our followers people we don't know exactly who they are and why they follow us, but that nevertheless watch regularly our Stories. It might happen that a certain point, after months of a loyal following, they decide to slide into your DMs, and then it will be up to you to identify who this mysterious figure with a Pantone shade as profile pic is. Only for the brave. 

#9 The talker

A distinguished representative of the lost art of oratory, he could live off long monologues, aggravated by his decision of splitting a concept in at least 7 different messages, with equal notifications. Very often he presents in the talker-big buddy edition, one who feels at ease and familiar right away. The point of return: voice messages. Only for really patient girls. 

#10 The horny but coward one

Pictures on the beach and revealing tops are what he lives for. After an initial fire, it will start a climax towards messages that describe in detail what a night of passion with him would be, even mentioning Kamasutra positions and reassuring that all the women that have slept with him had a triple-orgasm. If you're lucky enough the verbal tale will be accompanied by the visual support of a dick pic. Don't take for granted that after such a presentation he will ask you out. Try to text him when you're feeling horny and see what happens. 

What you've just read was a satisfying but definitely not complete repost, new Instagram men species are born every day. The hope though is that you can relate to at least one of these situations, it might be a good game for a boring party: 'If you received at least one dick pick, take a shot of tequila'. The hangover is guaranteed. 

Illustrations by Ilaria Colombo