Do we have to be friends with our exes?

There are no friendly breakups. Yes, you can mutually decide that it's time to go separate ways. Yes, you can do it politely and civilly. You might even end up remaining friends. But that comes after a period where the two former partners have processed their feelings and embarked on a journey of rebuilding their lives without each other. The truth is that even though you can overcome a breakup, the end of a relationship always sucks. It involves a bombardment of emotions, triggering various mechanisms and physiological responses in our brains that might affect decision-making and rational thinking. And the practical aspects? Who moves out? Who keeps the goldfish? Who will decorate the new apartment with the fern of love? It's not all hearts and unicorns, a happy island where composure, mutual respect, affection, and support reign, as the celebrities on Instagram would like us to believe.

Romeo Beckham and Mia Regan: and they lived friends and content forever

"Mooch and I have parted ways after 5 years of love, We still have a lot of love and respect for each other, and still hold a strong friendship and always will," communicated Romeo Beckham with these words and an Instagram story, announcing the end of the lovestory with Mia "Mooch" Regan, a relationship that began when they were just sixteen and lasted for 5 years. Regan also used a positive tone, even managing to joke, saying: "We have grown up with each other since we were 16!! Love takes different forms & paths as you mature. But we do share lots & lots of love for one another … after 5 years we friendzoned each other." Things that happen, you might say. Adolescent loves often come to an end. People grow, and they want different things. Good for Romeo and Mia for deciding to remain friends, but is it really that easy? Is it obligatory to stay connected with an ex? Is it an immediate transition or an emotional crutch that limits our evolution and the construction of a single life? And what if it's just a PR move? Think about it: many celebrities, when announcing their breakup, use phrases like "we have made the difficult decision to part ways" and "we continue to love and respect each other as friends."

The myth of the "friendly uncoupling"

In the beginning, there were Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. The genesis of amicable separation can be traced back to 2014 when the two used that term to announce their decision to divorce, suddenly making anger outbursts, public recriminations, jabs, and TV interviews airing all grievances and the sense of failure seem outdated among the Hollywood split couples. At the time, Paltrow wrote on the goop website: "While we love each other very much, we will remain separate. … We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and co-parent, we will be able to continue in the same manner." Almost a decade later, reflecting on that term, Paltrow admitted that the phrase sounded "a bit self-important", but she is proud of how it "permeated the culture of breaking up." She added, "Instead of people coming up to me with 'Why did you say this?' now they come up to me with 'How do you do it?'". In her case, the initial intention was maintained. She and the Coldplay singer formed a strong friendship, often sharing moments not only with their children but also with their respective new partners, namely Brad Falchuk and Dakota Johnson. The same happened, more or less, with Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, who remain close even in the most difficult times, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, who sit at the same table on Thanksgiving, and Katy Perry, Orlando Bloom, and Miranda Kerr, proving that becoming friends with an ex is possible. Even among Italian celebrities, some continue to date and show friendship toward their former partners, such as Michelle Hunziker and Eros Ramazzotti or Belén Rodriguez and Andrea Iannone. Recently Belén commented on an Instagram post (a kind of love dedication to celebrate the rider's third place in Race 1 at the Philips Island track in Superbike) of Iannone's new partner, Elodie, "blessing" the couple with these words, "How happy I am! Determination and a good heart always win! You are a fabulous couple."

Do we have to be (or pretend to be) happy and positive when we break up?

It's beautiful, even reassuring, to see these examples of "friendly uncoupling" (especially when children are involved). However, this flow of positive breakups presented by celebrities on Instagram exacerbates the comparison culture that now makes us feel like failures if we can't exude joy and feelings of friendship towards someone who has betrayed us, broken our hearts, or eaten the last slice of cake, leaving us alone in tears (and hungry), having to reinvent a different future. On one side, there are movies like Legally Blonde and 500 Days of Summer with post-breakup scenes filled with tears, used tissues, dozens of chocolate boxes nibbled on, trips to the supermarket in pajamas, and days hiding under the duvet from the rest of the world. On the other side, there are pastel colors and cotton candy of polite breakup statements on Instagram. Not to mention the "Don't take it personally, take everything" approach in the style of The First Wives Club or documentaries where all the betrayals and low blows of the ex are laid bare (Ilary-Totti, do they ring a bell?). What is the right behavior? There isn't one. Breakups are stressful, causing pain, a sense of failure, and often undermining our self-esteem. Of course, we all hope to behave with dignity and civility, but sometimes reaching that point requires a journey of awareness, acceptance, and reconstruction. There are no magic wands. It's not guaranteed that we should smile and go dancing with our ex-partner's new love just because it seems so easy for Gwyneth. Friendly breakup has become the latest result of the pursuit of perfection on Instagram. But nobody is perfect. We're just humans hoping to improve. One day at a time.