Micro-flirting and beyond: the lexicon of dating sets us back

Have you ever watched the TV series Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Its protagonist, Rebecca Bunch, decides in a particularly sad and chaotic moment of her life to move across the United States in the hope of rekindling the spark with her first love from camp days. From New York, she heads to West Covina, California, diving headfirst into a series of initially nonsensical but highly entertaining romantic and professional adventures. The series aired from 2015 to 2019, gained a cult following during the 2020 quarantine, and would have been even more potent - perhaps - if supported by a set of new terminologies about contemporary dating life that seemingly emerged from nowhere in the last three years, precisely categorizing any behavior that occurs whenever two people approach each other with more or less physical and emotional intentions.

The lexicon of modern dating

From the obvious ghosting onward, an increasing number of expressions enrich (or impoverish, depending on one's perspective) the vocabulary of the complicated courtship dance that takes place between bars and dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Hinge, and many more. Typically, after the initial approach, people meet. If it goes well, they continue seeing each other, entering into a situationship. If it goes poorly, there's the risk of being ghosted. Even if everything seems fine on the surface, there are hidden risks. One may fear being a throwaway girlfriend, the girl one, to put it bluntly, "practices with" before moving on to the woman of their life. Alternatively, there's always the possibility of being just one of many in the dating cycle, according to the ultra-modern and sophisticated technique of stack dating. If things go wrong after a while, or if the person you have chosen turns out to be wrong for you, you may become a victim of micro-cheating, which is not real cheating, but is ambiguous behavior far from faithfulness and it different for every couple. Now, adding to the confusion, another term enters the mix: micro-flirting. As if that's not enough.

Micro-flirting

What is micro-flirting? It's like flirting, but less. Simple, right? According to urbandictionary, it involves a series of small and subtle behaviors (not always for noble reasons; a person might actively want to hide their interest because they're committed) that could be interpreted as a sign of interest, especially when done together and consistently over time. Being micro, however, they are extremely difficult to detect. Hence, the influx of articles on how to recognize it. Some examples: "Sending you messages asking what you're doing or what you're up to, just to start a conversation," "Noticing when you change something about your appearance or hair," "When hugging, holding onto you for a second longer than others," "Remembering things you've told them before." The problem? These are normal, human, friendly behaviors that, depending on the context and the person's mannerisms, could mean everything or nothing at any given time. Reading endless lists of possible micro-flirting signals on the internet won't lead to anything; we must come to terms with that fact.

We're not sure of anything anymore, especially in dating

What's the problem? None. Googling articles at 3 in the morning to understand if our crush reciprocates is an essential element of the human experience in the digital age, even if we prefer offline guys. However, it's interesting to note that as the dating world fragments into a myriad of more or less (hopefully) toxic mini-attitudes, the more insecure we become, the more we cling to these things. It's as if we've entered into a vicious circle of unstable relationships, incomprehensible attitudes, and increasingly ambiguous expressions. Do we really need a third unknown party to tell us how to interpret what's happening? Don't we trust ourselves enough, and do we lack the courage to ask the person involved directly? Is it mandatory to undergo this torture every time, or is there an alternative? Even if it means stepping back from the game for a while, taking time to figure out what one wants. A relationship is not obligatory!

A generation of inept individuals, but the blame is not only ours

The truth is that all these micro-phenomena, from an external perspective, make us appear deluded, desperate, seeking certainty in everything but the person in front of us and in ourselves, unable to be alone but also unwilling to commit to something. A bit inept, frankly. The causes could be numerous. The general instability, both economic and social, could undoubtedly seep into our relationships like a viscous and hard-to-wash-away liquid. Furthermore, the hook-up culture has never been more normalized than today. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but those who choose to approach relationships differently might be in for a surprise, and thus perhaps also some reservations. None of these are valid justifications. In the end, the only solution to understand if the person we like reciprocates, how they reciprocate, what they have in mind for the future of the relationship, how many people they are seeing simultaneously, and so on is one and only one: ask, talk, communicate. If they lie, it's their loss. We will have done our best. And by the way, the insincere micro-flirting to keep us hanging, Rebecca Bunch called it love kernels.