Why do we get engaged immediately after a break-up?

For days, this question has been haunting social media to explain what is known in psychology as the 'rebound effect' or 'rebound relationship'. However, the phenomenon, which is treated light-heartedly or even ironically on the various online platforms, has its roots in real scientific studies. Psychologist Gaia Cavalleri defines it as the 'rebound effect', one of the psychological phenomena that most affects our lives, but is also one of the least known to date.

Rebound effect: what is it?

The term was coined by Wegner (social psychologist at Harvard University) and refers to the mental mechanism that occurs when we try not to think about something. In this case, a part of our psyche becomes a kind of gatekeeper that prevents forbidden thoughts from entering. The problem is that this part is activated to check whether we are actually not thinking about X. So the mind becomes overly vigilant and sets a trap for us. If we ask you not to think about a pink bear, your most frequent thought during a conversation will almost certainly be a pink bear, says the expert. That's at least part of the reason why we can't stop thinking about sweets when we're dieting, or why we can't forget the ex. Cavalleri therefore warns us about words, concepts and new phenomenologies that appear on the internet. The 'rebound effect' is not a phenomenon related to the emotional sphere, but can be applied to it to explain what it means to engage in a 'rebound relationship'.

What are rebound relationships

A rebound relationship, Gaia Cavalleri explains further, is a relationship that you enter into shortly after the end of the previous relationship, before you have processed the feelings associated with it. It is wrongly assumed that this type of relationship will not last or be serious and that the new partner is nothing more than a spare wheel, a replacement that fills the 'feeling of emptiness'. "Another common belief is that you absolutely have to take time for yourself after a breakup, but that's not always the case. It depends on the personal and psychological characteristics of each person and the external circumstances of each situation.' As Dr Cavalleri rightly points out, you shouldn't lump everything together. Each person has their own way of experiencing the end of a relationship, with their own feelings and moods. In fact, according to some studies, a "rebound relationship" actually seems to offer advantages, contrary to popular belief. Another relationship psychologist, Claudia Demontis, points out "another example of the rebound effect that can be observed in interpersonal relationships: if a person tries to constantly avoid conflict in a relationship, it may inevitably emerge and increase in intensity or frequency, creating a rebound effect that makes conflict management more difficult."

How we open our eyes to our relationships

But how do we distinguish a new and 'healthy' acquaintance from the unconscious desire to easily replace our ex-partner, and thus realise that the rebound mechanism has been triggered? There is no single answer to this question, which is why those with the expertise invite us to reflect. In fact, Demontis reassures us, reminding us that 'It is normal to want to meet new people and get back into the game after a break-up, but we need to assess whether it is a simple relational novelty or an attempt at replacement. In fact, if one realises that the search for new acquaintances is mainly driven by the anxiety of no longer being single or the fear of loneliness, then there is a strong signal that one is only looking for a distraction' Changing partners without understanding what went wrong in the previous relationship is certainly not a sign of emotional growth. And if seeking new relationships causes more stress, anxiety or confusion than a sense of joy and personal evolution, this is a strong red flag. 'There is nothing wrong with new encounters after a separation, but it is essential to take a step back and reflect on the motivations and emotions that drove this search to ensure that it is the result of a conscious choice'. Cavalleri also offers her point of view, which agrees with Demontis's in the concept of 'self-analysis', i.e. knowing how to self-question, 'about the purposes for which we are undertaking a new acquaintance and whether we are really listening to our heart', but also emphasises external circumstances: 'we do not always decide who to meet and at what exact moment in our lives.' Generally in the aftermath of a break-up it is normal to experience disappointment and negative emotions; embarking on a new relationship could serve as a coping strategy or a means to distract oneself from the pain. In particular, one study (Spielmann, MacDonald & Wilson, 2009) showed that people with anxious attachment may benefit greatly from Rebound Relationships, as focusing on someone new may be an adaptive part of the closure process. Another possibility is that people seek out someone to increase their self-esteem and to reaffirm their self-concept. Of course, there is also the case that relationships can become a fallback, a way to fill the void left by an ex-partner or even represent revenge. Like a two-sided medal, there are benefits and problems in this phenomenon too, which like various aspects of the emotional and sentimental sphere affect us personally and should never be underestimated. Reflecting on our choices can therefore be the key to closing the drawers of our insecurities. 

Possible causes and solutions

So, what could be the main causes that lead us to immediately look for a new relationship once we have ended one? Claudia Demontis, for example, identified three, namely 'the fear of loneliness, the need for confirmation and the attempt to avoid pain'. A good method to combat 'this instinct' can be self-discovery and focusing on ourselves. Claudia's advice is to 'listen to the inner child and understand that she only needs our attention. Dedicating oneself to activities that help strengthen individual identity and sharing thoughts and feelings with trusted friends or a psychotherapist can also offer an outside perspective and support during this period. Sometimes you have to know how to welcome the feeling of emptiness and accept it without wanting to fill it at all costs'. Gaia Cavalleri, on the other hand, sees the cause of this mechanism, which she herself defines as a 'red flag', in the moment in which 'one cannot do without the other and in order to stay in a certain relationship one would do anything, even belittle oneself. In that case you have to be very careful about the alarm bells because it could be an emotional addiction'.

Is it good to talk about it on social media?

The online community has become a mirror of public debate in our society, which can be problematic, as the philosopher and sociologist Paola Pietrandrea points out in her essay 'Communication, public debate, social media. Come orientarsi nella linguistica', because the social arena is polluted by the philtre bubbles in which we are all 'trapped" and it is becoming increasingly difficult to get out of it and develop our own critical thinking about the content we come into contact with every day on social networks. According to Demontis, this can have positive aspects, such as 'sharing experiences between people who are in a similar situation to raise awareness of the phenomenon and help people better understand their own behaviour after a break-up by limiting the phenomenon of isolation'. But there are also negative aspects, such as judgement, which could cause additional emotional stress to already vulnerable people and increase feelings of guilt or insecurity'. Cavalleri also emphasises the reliability of sources and the importance of going to an expert: 'If it's to spread information and raise awareness, all well and good; but it's also important that it's done by people who are experts in the field, who don't rely on hearsay but on scientific sources that can be consulted by anyone. It might be risky to talk superficially about a topic from the psychological field, as we do not know who the message will reach and how they might react. Making fun of or making light of certain aspects of interpersonal relationships can be very damaging. Psychiatrist Luisella Zanin states: 'A video in which a topic that concerns a person's inner self is treated trivially and superficially conveys the feeling that everything is in some way flattened. We need to give meaning to things and words. Lightness is not everything; pain, fear and emotion need to be portrayed, as well as depth and complexity." What do you think about this? Do you find these topics useful in social media or do you often notice little depth in this content? We encourage you to always listen to an expert's opinion and ask for help when you need it.